As the title of the post suggests, you did not ask me to write a post about the following subject matter. However, I may have something of value to say that you might want to take note of for the years to come.
Plus, I have two daughters of my own. I don’t really understand them. There was just a lot of drama and they came out of my wife’s body and there was peace and then there was drama and I love them and get annoyed by them and want to keep them and am exceedingly protective of them and can’t remember my name most of the time. But they’re wonderful and I want God’s best for them.
Here is what I would tell them, were they old enough to date (or court or what have you). And I can say this as a guy.
Guys are jerks. They don’t care about you. They don’t care about your feelings. They don’t care about your happiness. They care about themselves. Given the chance, they would drop you off on the side of the road and devote themselves to another girl regardless of your tears. And sometimes because of them. If you think you’ve found the one dude in the world who just happens to have pure motives and is attracted to you, well, you are sadly mistaken. I might even say naive. But you’re not the only one at fault. Guys are not merely masters of depravity. They are masters of deception.
The guy you want to spend your life with is the guy who knows he’s an absolute wretch. He doesn’t just say it. He knows it. And he turns to God every time he messes up. He does not run away. He does not drag you down. He repents and turns back to Christ. If a guy is always running from God, then he’s a rebel. And you will hate him. Trust me, you will. You may think you can have some fun and contain the fire, but you can’t. He’ll ruin you. Rebels have no regard for the hurt of other people. He’ll hurt you, because he hates you. He hates anything that does not suit his own selfish schemes. You may think that you can ‘fix’ him, but you can’t. That’s not your job. Your little list of rules for him to follow so that he can be with you will have as much effect on his rock hard heart as a paper airplane thrown at the peak of Mount Everest. That’s not the guy you want.
You will never find ‘the one.’ You will be found by a guy who pursues you even when you hate his guts. Not in a creepy way. Not in a jealous way. Not in a puppy dog way. He won’t be out to hurt you, hurt another guy, or find your approval. He will be out to love you despite overwhelming odds stacked against him, and despite the fact that he won’t even tell you that he loves you. You’ll see something persistent and full of integrity and honesty in the way he pursues you and won’t give up. That’s the thing you’re looking for. It’s not lust or possessiveness or self-pity. It’s not words. It’s a commitment to loving you even though he does not feel like it sometimes. It’s his knowledge that he’s really messed up and not right for any girl, much less you. It’s a solid piece of reality in the midst of a completely fake and frivolous world. It’s the beginnings of the bedrock for your marriage. When you see that, and one day you will, then you will know he’s a rightful suitor.
Don’t give yourself over to him. Make him pursue you. Cover yourself in mystery. Don’t arrogantly play with him. This is not about you, and it is not a game. But make him realize how serious this is. Don’t take anything less than a persistent pursuit to marriage and death. Then you’ll know love, and then you’ll know life.
Love is less about magic than it is about the mundane. You will mess up along the way. God still loves you. But you will find a guy who finds you, and it will come together through the most ordinary circumstances, and then you will look back and realize that he really is ‘the one,’ not because you found him, but because he found you, and only then in the providence of God. And what God has joined together, no human shall put asunder.
P.S. If you are my daughter and you are reading this, know that even ‘the one’ is subject to any number of physical risks in having chosen to pursue my daughter. If I am dead, rest assured I have appointed a network of extremely effective spies to keep the fear of God in him in my absence.
P.P.S. You do not have to wait until you are a particular age before you start dating. But I have to be 80. Or dead. Remember the spies.